Heaven Changes Everything

Once Upon a Time (believe me), this little boy went to HEAVEN, came back, wrote a huge bestseller and, shockingly, has a new book out!  It’s called Heaven Changes Everything (because we just KNOW it does, and the little boy tells us it’s true!).

Now, before you run out to your favorite iReligious bookstore to grab a copy, here’s what the promo on iBooks says (with my own incredible commentary inserted):

“Through their own experiences, and based on the stories hundreds of (born again Christian) readers have shared, they show you (who already believe) how believing heaven is for real helps us survive hardships here on earth (as opposed to somewhere else). . .even abortion (though aborted fetus-babies go directly to be with Their Adoptive Heavenly Father).  The daily readings provide a powerful reminder that, beyond the hardships we may face in this life, God’s incredible (IN-credible) gift of heaven awaits us (believers. . .the rest, as we KNOW, are damned. . .Hell is For Reals!).  Imagine (lots of imagination here) being completely fearless on earth because you know (yes you know) that after this life you’re going to heaven, and you know, really know (oh yes, you know), you’re going to love it there. . .(what’s not to love?:  an eternal megachurch service with everybody singing praise songs naked and no offering plate!)

Heaven is God’s last word (just before He passed away. . .I mean, before he slammed the gates and sent the unbelievers to his own special Love Operated Torture Chamber called HELL)–and believing it’s real changes everything (as the Church Lady says, Of COURSE it does, dear).”

I apologize for the sarcastic tone.  I repent.  You see, when I was an Evangelical I raised my hands to sing with my brothers and sisters.  We sang for hours, songs with words like, “I can’t wait to see Heaven!” and “Heaven is a wonderful place. . .I want to see my Savior’s face,” and “I have a mansion just over the hilltop where we’ll walk on streets that are purest gold,” and “There is a river of blood that flows from the throne of God” and other happy, joyful, age-appropriate songs.  We studied our bibles and prayed (even praying in a “heavenly language”) and sang until our tears opened the windows of the heavenly city above.  Oh I SEE Him, I DO!  Yes, Believe Me, We DID!

So, I know something about Heaven!  Go ahead, ask me anything. . .I KNOW.

(Grumbling. . .).  And, ok, I’m very very (sinfully) envious of this little boy and his marketers (I mean faithful family of followers) with these brilliant bestsellers!  Damn!  I mean, bless you boy, please tell God next time you see Him that I’m very sorry and want to go to HEAVEN too!

Because, you know, just become like a little child, then it ALL Makes Sense!

By the way, I can’t wait for the books to come out, written by children, with titles like:

Unicorns are For REAL!  There’s a REAL Tooth Fairy!  I Met Buddha and He Was Un-Real!  Republican Brains are REAL (believe me, I saw one, and it Changed Everything!)

You know, things like that.


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